467 days away from home and still counting....

2001-08-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

TRIP TO THE DENTIST

I guess my teeth isn't as wonderful as I thought they were. I had my first cleansing here in Idaho. Turns out that I need to pull the rest of my wisdom teeth and do a root planning. Root planning is where you have to cleanse the bottom of the teeth in the gums. Just sumthin' sumthin. That sucks. I totally hate going to the dentist PERIOD. We'll keep you updated.

2001-08-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

FALLING IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN

You know it seems like the everyday life frustrations tend to slowly deteriorate the fun and laughter w/ in a relationship. Especially a marriage. Well, in our case, it is the unexpected that usually wake us up to reality and see that we still are in love... it just shows itself in many different ways. Last week I was almost faced with the cold reality that Ryan was to leave me to go to somewhere far, far away for god knows how long. It was a military thing...not the type of stuff to leave on a published blog (sorry). So anyway, I was at my girlfriend Sherry's house when Rai's supervisor's wife comes over w/ some bad news. "Hey sis, the boys are leaving again". God, I felt like crying. What she told me felt like the most horrible news in the world. For gods sake, I would love to have a normal life.. someday soon I hope. The first half of this year was spent deploying (not by choice, might I add) and It has been so nice to have him home all to myself.. and then POOFhe's gone. So he came over after hearing the news. Came to me, hugged me tightly and we cried. Cried out our frustration, or sadness, and despair. We love each other dammit.. that's what counts I know, but can't we be selfish for just one moment please???

OUR ANGELS WERE WATCHING US THAT DAY....

We found out the next day (after Ry spending the whole day w/ me @ work) that they didn't have to leave at all, that they were on standby. What a relief!! I guess we are allowed to be selfish and actually get what we want sometimes. So remember that folks, when there is hope.. theres always that slim chance that your prayers will be answered.

2001-08-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

Ahhh the relaxation!

So yeah, now that I've been off from work for four days straight now, I don't know what to do with myself. My play is over (last night was a smashing hit ~ by the way ), birthday planning is over, what to do???? It really sucks to know that the past two days I have been trying to clean up my house after the hurricane hit last week. I should be going out shopping, or visiting friends or something!!?? Yeah , well... the weekend was well worth it. lemme see, it actually seemed like my birthday was all of last week. With the neverending birthday wishes, cards, money, cakes!! Could you believe that I had three cakes for my birthday this year? I had to actually use my fingers to figure that one out. I guess because I did make the big TWO-ONE... so I guess it's a grand occassion. Like a milestone, if you will. Four cakes you ask? One was at a July birthday gathering last weekend at our friends house (more like ohana - family), the second was at my work (my boss is a sweetie, isn't she?), third was from my family back home of course (o: , and last but definitly not least was at our friends (more like ohana) hotel room right before we went clubbing. So that was that. I did manage to get drunk off my ass (because I could) and had hell of a night doing it. We all had fun and that was the main thing. The next morning is another story. hee hee.

no, i didn't get drunk off my ass and fall of the face of the earth!! (Thank you very much). But it was pretty close to it though. Nah, no worry mom.. i nevah get alchohol poisoning.. LOL... obviously. But we did have a lot of fun.

I must admit that it was pretty darn depressing spending another birthday away from home. The birthday blues just seemed like it wouldnt go away. I guess I had so much stuff on my mind and trying to do a million things all at once. But.. in the wee hours in the morning, those frustrations came out in the form of tears. The kind where you cry so hard that you hyperventalate. If das' how you spell um. But poor ry thought that he had let me down.. no, just had to cry. U guys know me. The day of my bday wasnt so hot either... until I got my show done. My last performance was a HIT and I did my duty. I got the responses from my audience that I desperately needed. It probably had something to do w/ Ry carrying a dozen roses and balloons backstage before the performance. What a guy.

2001-07-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

When will the bullshit stop coming?

Are we ever so immune to the asshole defect in men, even after being w/ them for such a long time? In individual cases, the stimulus is entirely different from the next. But we all suffer from it. In my friend's case, she is newly married, and from the outside everything looks perfectly normal. The way all newly married couples should be: sneaking kisses on every chance they can get, calling eachother petnames and talking like babies in front of everyone. But my perception changed entirely the other night. See, this couple is leaving in a week to another country as their next station. So as of now, they are staying in a hotel not far away until they get the chance to leave here. We went there the other night to just hang out with them and several of our other friends and it went well. That was until after a few drinks "she" made a minor understatement and "he" got really angry and said a bunch of upsetting words. The tension grew as the night progressed and it eventually ended with she going to bed early (there were two rooms) and he grabbing another alchoholic beverage. Nothing was said to resolve the matter and as I talked to her last night... she feels so alone and confused. Do I blame her? no. Should she leave him? It's not for me to decide. As much as possible I pleaded with her to find a way to communicate her concerns before things got really violent. The worst part of it all is , is that she has a little boy. Don't get me wrong, her husband is a really nice guy... every one loves the both of them. But it's just another case of the judgement of a books cover. We'll see what happens.

happy medium

The mister and I had another infamous argument. The fun never stops!! heh heh. But tonights edition of "grumble, grumble, grumble" held the topic of disagreement. He doesnt agree w/ the way I do certain things. He's really nit-picky about those kinds of things. Sounds stupid, but yeah. it's like living w/ my mom all over again. I do disagree with certain ways I do things, but he always makes it a great big deal. sheesh!!! The thing that gets me , is that sometimes I feel like he has this pedestal that he stands on and there I am on the dirt covered floor. know what I mean? But slowly but surely, we are working on "acceptance" rather than "control". That's our problem. We both need control. All in all, we do work and fight greatly with one another. I'm the fighter/stubborn personality and he's the calm/peace maker personality. and vice versa (very rarely). But we try never to go to bed angry. It's tough, but somehow, we've always managed to pull it off.

They say the first couple years of marriage is the toughest. I'll be so glad when we're past that. At least we still appreciate each other. Love U booboo.

2001-07-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

So life is great?

It's truly weird when throughout the month you feel confused, angry and emotional.. and then your period comes around and you feel perfectly normal!!!! What planet am I from?! Is this some form of punishment? I guess, that's just my many mood swings. Or, it could be that for now, I actually feel happy. I've been having nice day offs from work for a change, just went to the gym and noticed that my raquetball game improved, or on Sat my booboo surprised me with some early bday gifts when I thought he actually went to the gym. So life is doing well. Hopefully when I get rid of this period, things stay on the positive side. One downfall though, gonna try some new birth control pills. I know for a fact that some of those things make me truly BITCHY! youch! wish me luck?

2001-07-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

long week.
It's been a really long week. Haven't really made the effort to write. I will try to, though. It's just all that juggling of time, money and energy. Haven't had much energy lately. Been really tired. Can't be im preg... I got my menstrual cycle. Late, but I got it. The production is going smoothly. I need to study my monologue a bit more. I just don't find myself as dedicated to this one as I was the last. The cast is pretty lame if you ask me. I really enjoy working with few of them , but the new people are a bit irritating. There is this one red headed BOY who is so cocky. He totally disrespects other cast memebers while on stage. I just wish I could smack him. Hope rehearsal goes okay tomorrow.

My birthday is coming up and it's scary. I say that because after you reach 21, the years just fly by so quickly. We are in the middle of planning that night. Make it the most memorable. My cousin BJ hopefully will be able to come down from Georgia. He leaves for Korea in a couple of months (USarmy), so it'll be nice if we could see him before he leaves. The hardest part about being so far away from home is adapting to not having your family and friends around to do the holiday/birthday things. But we do have our family and friends here to partly fill in that void.

2001-07-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

hmmmn

2001-07-08T23:56:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile.

Haven't been doing my part in keeping tabs w/ mr. blogger. Sorry eh! Life is not as complicated, I guess I'm having a good day. That changes a lot. With all of my mood swings and all. Things are quite comfortable at home w/ the hubby. Just kinda disgusted with myself for feeling like i'm doing nothing earth shattering. U know, like curing a disease or depleting homeless situation. lol. yeah, i'm a drama queen. I always believed I was destined for greatness, or making a difference in the world. I still do. That's why it's so frustrating! Ah, but I'll live.

Wasssssaaaapppp

Same ole' stuff in our household. But been spending a lot of time w/ my girl Sherry and her family. That feels good. She is almost the only person here that I truly know I can count on. We support each other. It's a beautiful friendship. Her 5 month old son is now our godson. Imagine that. They we all pretty much go back and forth to eachothers and just chill and have fun. Last night it was their house, and tonight it was ours. It feels good. REAL friends...not artificial. The best thing about it , is that Boo boo and SHer's hubby get along great, so of course it isn't uncomfortable when we're all together. We all have other friends that we all get together with, but this one is the tightest bond. I love Sher, as if she were my own sister. One free-spirit comforting another.. what more can you ask for? Thanks sher!

2001-07-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

Weekend of fun

Well, It looks like the welcome home turbulance is over. Sex life is just about back to the norm, the mood swings are regulated, and the togetherness has set in once again. It really is nice to have him back. The bed isn't so bed and the thing that snuggles up to me now, isnt just my baby puppy.

We had some fun this weekend. On Sat, had to work.. but had this get together at this local marina w/ da other locals from home. More like family than friends. This occasion was sort of for a friends bday (and his supah cool girlfriend came down too) and just to kick back, and relax. Went there after work with my honeys (hubby and dog) to relax. It was a lot of fun. Water isn't the same as the crystal clear beaches back home, but it's the closest we'll get to a real beach for now. The guys rode boats, and jet skiied. Sounds like fun. The highlight of the day was my pookie poo (dog) had his first swimming lesson from his daddy. He was scared to death, poor thing! But he did really well.

Today, we went to this water park about an hour and a half away from base. It was a lot of fun. Met up with some of the older counter parts of our group. They and their kids went there early in the day, and we went shortly after. It was nice to actually do something out of the base area. It was actually like a sanity check. We rode rides and had fun. The weather was nice and hot, what more could you ask for? Wish the other people couldve went. O-wells. My obstacle for today was dealing with my inability to swim. Sad huh? For an islander NOT to know how to swim. I'm slowly learning. Booboo's been great about it. I will learn someday soon.

Nothing but HATERS

On Friday, after work, I went to watch BooBoo's softball game and found out some interesting info. It turns out that there is this rumor that this one girl totally hates me. HUH?? The funny part is: I haven't met this girl, nor spoken a word to her in my life. Now, isn't that sad??? Talk about a "no lifer". I hear she has this obsession of hating girls who are feminine or pretty. Which one of those I am, I do not care to know.. or categorize myself for that matter.. but shit! She has no basis for hating me, so I don't care. Boy, I must be special for someone to HATE me that I don't even know. Grow the f**k up!

2001-06-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE HAS A CALLING

If everyone has a calling, what is mine? I need to know. It's been bothering me. I know, I know.. concentrate on the present before you worry about the future. But doesn't what we do now make the future happen? I don't expect some agent to come knocking at my door and offering me a million dollar contract. However, I did find this site casting america where they give you the 411 on where the auditions are. It's pretty cool.. only 12 - 20 dollars a month. It would be worth it. I wonder.. is that my call?

What's yours?

love is an evil triangle

The other day, Hubby and I had a fight. One that felt like the 100 year war. But just with out the crummy clothes. It sure felt like a hundred years. I had been moody because I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I tried to tell him about the reserves idea, but he just avoided the subject. To the point where I felt like calling him insensitive, selfish, and inconsiderate. Luckily, I didnt.. I just gave him the mood swings of all mood swings. Then to make it worse, he does this thing to irritate the shit outta me! He acts cute and funny, hoping to make me smile/laugh, when it only makes the water boil even more!!! ahhh! You know, even if I have decided by myself that I do have other options of funding my college, I just wanted him to listen. Is that too much to ask?????? But all is well in this household.. a peace treaty was made and we're back to "humping bunnies" as my cousin cheyne calls us. Hey, he's only been home for less than a week.. the URGE is still there. Makin' up for lost time. heh heh.

2001-06-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

WELCOME HOME BABY!

What's up? I know, I've been slacking... but for a good purpose (beeeeg cheesy smile). My honey came home this past Saturday. What an exciting reunion. I just love when he comes home.. it's a really refreshing feeling. Like a reminder of how much electric there is between you two. I guess that's the only thing that I get outta these TDY's. That and the mind blowing sex. LOL. anywayz.... I've been busy with that and my auditions for these up coming productions. It was cool

It was around six o'clock pm (Idaho time) and I am anxiously awaiting that one phone call the the person speaking in the receiver will say "Hi boo boo, I'm hoooooome.... I'll be there in five minutes.. (grin)." Instead of that after an hour and a half of waiting.. I get a call "Hi boo boo, I'm hoooooome.... I'm stuck here for an hour or so." AAAAHHHH!! I can't win! It wasnt so bad.. because the northwest plane flew into our base and dropped our troops off home. So, I got to go and see him. Boy, was it worth it. Besides the smell of fuel on his BDU's (camouflouge clothing), it was amazing. It was like the kiss/hug that lasted forever. The first thing we always do is smell eachother. There is no better scent, than one of your baby. It's just something that we always did. I could recognize his smell in a line up. You should try it too. It's an intimate scent.. only that of a loved one. I get it strongest right between his cheek and his ear. I loooove it!

My auditions on Wed. and Thurs. of last week went really well. But its just the results that weren't. Ah, that's show business. It was an audition for a collection of one-act plays, monologues, and mini blackouts. It was really cool. I saw a bunch of people that I've worked w/ previously. That made it feel comfortable. They knew what I was capable of. Then comes in this slightly younger girl w. talent. She was my competition. I really wanted to be cast as this one girl "Diane". A really sweet charachter in this one act play "Day after forever". I loved the script so much, I thought it was mine! So, I thought to myself.. if anyone would be my competition, she would be.

I checked on the cast roster on Friday.. and discovered that my name wasnt on there next to the charachter taht I wanted. That's okay though.. I got chosen to do my monologue. I guess thay liked that.. and I'm hoping that I didnt get that part because she thought my monologue was so terrific that she needed me to do it. haha. optimistic at its best! either that or pig headed. yes, i rule!!! joking.

2001-06-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

It's not easy being me..

Everyday a new search for "me". I really thought that I knew me, what I wanted. But can you really ever? Somehow I doubt that. I beleive that it is a struggle that we'll deal with throughout our lives. How depressing. I mean, how can you know if something ISNT for you until you try? But you can't quite try everything in the world, or can you? I would definitly like to.. but I guess .. harrumph!! So disgusting! Anywho, could it possibly be that I'm just a drama queen? Atl least my rantings and ravings serve a purpose. Slowly I am partially reaching my goal of understanding myself. This definitly helps.

I have so many dreams!! So many venues to explore... how can I do that with out hurting my hubby? With out jeopardizing our marriage? One opportunity that I think I would definitly benefit from is the AF reserves. I dont know. I think I mentioned this last night, but as you can tell, it just lingers in my mind. I'll turn to the magic crystal ball. Yeah.. what good that did.. but check it out anyway. Might work for you.

I took a test last night. It said that I am BURNED OUT!!! Can you believe that? OMG.. i totally fit the charachteristics!! Check it: lack of energy, emotional exhaustion, job dissatisfaction, negativity, lowered resistance to illness, isolation.. etc. Sounds like anyone we know? I know, it sounds silly.. what can I say.. I'm a drama queen at it's best. harrumph.

2001-06-18T02:12:00.000-07:00

Decisions, decisions..

out of all of the different road of life, which one will I choose? I dont believe , or refuse to believe - for that matter, that there is one set road. Who knows.. perhaps one road we choose slowly tracks back to a road that we chose not to go in the first place. DESTINY. My destiny is not chosen, it is formed by the choices i make daily. So I try never to regret what I do. Cause and Effect.

I am in a point in my life where I am still young enough to pursue a realistic dream of being young and successful. I don't want to come to that "woulda, shoulda, coulda" stage, You know.. when you wish you did something when you had the chance: College, Career, whatever. I am thinking of going into the air force reserves for the MGI bill benefits. What do you think? should I? We'll see. Gotta talk about it with the hubby. I am so ready to go back to college. I have a vision.. I see myself being creative and directing a marketing firm somewhere. Until then, it's my acting hobby. I have auditions on Thursday for a part in this one act play called "The day after forever". It's a really touching story. I will also audition with my monologue. We'll see. I really want to pursue this also.
SO MANY DREAMS, SO LITTLE TIME

2001-06-18T01:59:00.000-07:00

The best things in life are free

Tonight I had a revelation... I discovered yet again the feeling of being loved. Not the kind of love of a lover, nor the kind from a mother. Just genuine love. My cousin cheyne and I just spent the last hour or so talking about life, relationships, and horrid secrets. This made me truly realize how wonderful it must be to truly love life and not want to give up all the time. I want to be like that. Past all of the inner struggles and obstacles he still remains strong and independant. Proving to everyone who said his dreams couldnt be realized that they actually can. He is a very motivational source in my life. Along in the ranks of my husband, my family back home, and few people who I truly call friends. His soul is such a wonderful one.. I wouldnt trade him in for anything in the world.

2001-06-14T17:34:00.000-07:00

ponder for a moment please...

The past few days have been a blur, as I have been preoccupied with the everyday wife tasks - just with out the husband. I really miss him. It's times like these where you sit back, and reminisce about all of the good and bad times that you once shared. The first encounter, the first kiss, first fight... and many, many more. That's all I find myself thinking about lately. Friends here have been really great. They always are. Checking on me and trying to help me find things to do, together. But I just have been feeling so anti-social. Yeah, I guess that's an accurate description.

Sometimes... I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart,

Suddenly you flare in m sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of thicket

and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before
~ Wendell Berry

"Relationships that were once based on things like economic necessity or legal pressure are now based o nfree, openhearted choice. Marriage is now a free, openhearted choice. Marriage is now a freely chosen step in our quest for wholeness, the realization of our full individual potential and our ability to give to each other.

"To join withthe love of your life in making this choice, day after day, year after year,is an astonishing opportunity, something few of our anscestors ever experienced. Marriage is not based on regimentation, coercion, or force. It's a marriage of equal minds, of true selves. Paradoxically, opening your heart to let your loved one go free is the best way -_ maybe the only way - to create this kind of relationship." -Martha Beck, redbook

I have realized that the choice to get out of the military isn't quite only my choice. And i can't do certain things to control his actions and control his thinking. The most I can do is give him my opinions, make sure he repects them and meet me half way. I enjoy being his best friend. One of the greatest feelings in the world. Why jeopardize that? Remember when you were a kid, your best friend was the one who always made sure you had someone to hang with at recess or after school. The one to give you their last cookie? Or give you their done homework so you could copy? Well, as an adult, it's those same principles all over again.. just w/ different matters. It shouldnt matter if what they were doing didnt agree with your expectations a 110%. Love them still, support them still.. and don't put them down. I guess you really do learn a lot from magazines. hee hee. I miss him. I dont want it to be where I'll be saying "I miss him" as a divorcee. We are great together. There are ways of working things out. I'm sure everyone will understand. But we are working together on the military matter.. To be cont.

I miss you booboo

2001-06-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

AS THE WORLD TURNS....

Today is another day. It seems like it took forever for time to pass today. It was if the minutes refused to move! Ah, it's just this TDY thing. I hate it. They say you get used to it; that one day I'll be practically begging for him to leave. I don't think so. I miss him so much.

He called today, twice. Once at this barbecue/birthday party and the second time took place at home, later in the evening. It was funny. You see, booboo is a basketball-holic. Loves to play it, watch it.. and if he could eat it, and breathe it! Well, we both agreed for him to call at around 8:00 pm. So, I got home just in time for his call and NO CALL. Well, I turned on the television only to see the Lakers and the Sixers going head to head in the play offs. I really don't blame him, I love basket ball too and it was a very well played game! So he's excused this time (smile). Immediatly following the ending credits of the game, the phone rings. Who is it? Boo Boo!! We talked for awhile and caught up on some things. He's doing well and missing his family here. I surely miss him too. Only 13 more days to go. Bear with me!

2001-06-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

alone

BooBoo left today to go to Canada. Such a long way from here. He called; He reached there safely and is very tired. Here I go, back into being ALONE. yesterday wasn't any picnic either. We both had major mood swings and had a "trying" day. I worked all day and he ran errands. We both were tired. Then, we had this long conversation about our life in the military. I told him, "There are two different kinds of people: The kind who live to be in the military (no options), and the other who realizes that the military is just not for them and that there are so many other options for them. He seems to differ. Our conclusion for now, was to stick it out for the rest of our term and then go back home and kick it for a while. We'll see.

2001-06-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

sadness and despair

It's one of those days. The kind where you feel like your skin doesn't fit right. Does that make sense or what? There are several things on my mind. Honey's leaving in a few days for a trip, two dollars in my wallet, friend Karin is leaving, and missing home (what else is new, right?).

home again
My BooBoo is leaving on Saturday to go to Canada for a TDY. Temporary DutY assignment. I truly hate when he leaves because it feels so weird when he comes back, oh yeah, by the way, I miss him too! What I meant was that when he leaves my naturally independant self comes out and rules this house... and when he returns, he wants to do everything for me. That may sound nice, but after the adjustment of him leaving, I have the "I can do it myself" attitude. I hate when he leaves. period.

rain, rain, go away (take those clouds with you)
Missing home, yeah. Not a nice feeling. I just can't help it. There's just certain people in your life that you can't stand to be a zillion miles away from. I hate the thought of everyone living their lives without me immediately included. Phone calls are fine, emails are alright.. but nothing beats the smell of my moms hair as she hugs me, or th sound of my two little brothers arguing over some tv show, the sound of my dad jamming on his bass, or the laughter in the house as my older brother does something in the extreme. Things we sometimes take for granted and wish you could have them again when you're so far away. It hurts so much.

french maid from hell.. NOT
In the military, you meet a lot of different kinds of people. Nice people, rude people, funny people, and their all people that you never forget. This one girl "K" is all of the above (in a good way). I met her a couple of months ago and she is moving back to Europe because of her husband and his orders to Germany. That really was upsetting because she was the type of person that you actually looked forward to seeing on a daily basis. She and her husband owned a juice stand a few feet away from my office and it wasn't rare at all to see her EVERYDAY. They are supposed to leave tomorrow and that is saddening to write. Especially because her husband is a complete methodical liar. I learned that today. He was spotted at a local bar telling another woman how bad his marriage was and that he was going to get a divorce. Should I say something before she goes? She really is the defensive type, but she deserves to know. Shit, I would want to know! We'll see.....

they're getting lonely
Yeap, the two dollars in my wallet are getting quite lonely in there. Not much I can do about it right at this moment but wait. I hate not having money and I dont like asking my parents for money. BooBoo does too... I think it makes him feel like they might think that he can't take care of me. He really does, beleive me he does... and my parents are not at all shallow. Maybe I shouldnt have gotten my car. We now have two and our insurance went up by a little over a hundred dollars. Yeah, I know.. Look before you leap.

2001-06-04T00:46:00.000-07:00

HE'S LOSING HIS HEAD

Yes, he's losing his head... but in a good way.. in a pleasurable way: in his man's mouth! Heehee.. just joking. Well, just talked to one of my most favorite cousins in the world: cheyne. Boy, is he a riot! He is currently interested in a cute, surfer guy with a hot bod.. and is in the midst of a sex scheme. To get the back ground of this story visit his site at: a boy who likes boys.

He's a wonderful guy.. and I love him to peices. He's the type of guy to really depend on. The type who holds you and smiles for you while you say a eulogy for bothof your grandpa, or stay up all night until the early next morning and just have girl talk, even if he has an early shift the next day, or last but definitly not least, the type to dress up in a shiny black/gold (out of all colors) dress, make up, hair *the whole nine yards*.. and go outside in public just to cheer you up. That's a real man with a heart of gold. Just wanted to take this opportunity to tell him that no matter his love problems, I just wanted to remind you that you are a wonderful person and you are truly loved and appreciated. So you dont have to feel like you need fake affection. Love you lots!

2001-06-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

grows on you???
fo' hundred one and still going!

Wow.. fourhundred one days already? That is a truimph if you ask me. This little air force base in the middle of no where is slowly feeling like home, and it's nice. When I first reached here, everyone who had been here for awhile had told me " **AFB will grow on you".... I never believed it. Nowadays, I meet new people and they claim to hate it and say how badly they would like to leave and etc.. believe it or not, I am now the one to say "It'll grow on you". This place isn't so bad, you just have to give it a chance.

Surprise visit

Well, as you may know from previous entries... I have been waiting anxiously for my period. I got it, I finally got it after 11 grueling days. Good, bad... ??? I haven't quite decided that yet. At first, I was horrified. The thought of bringing a child into this world scared me. It scared me because we had previously decided to plan on postponing parenthood until a later date after a whole year from trying to conceive. You know what they say, the minute you stop thinking about pregnancy, that'll be the moment it will happen.

As the days passed, I got used to the idea of a possibility of being a mommy. The excitement grew as each day passed. I took a pregnancy test and it turned out negative. My hopes were stifened a little, but still remained. I was almost positive that we were going to be parents when I was ten days late, and no blood after intercourse.

until today.

It was at my best friend Sherry's house that it had happened. Her in laws were in town and everyone gathered to celebrate their visit. We laughed, had fun, and little by little we were exposing our little possibility to everyone. Sherry and I kept joking throughout the day about our little predicament, and how my actions slowly started to reflect my situation. Then , IT CAME. I went to the restroom to check on it, and surely enough... the red blood showed.

disappointment?

Yes.. but no. I still believe that there is a lot out there for us, and perhaps, this was the sign that we shouldnt start having children yet. There is so much going on in our lives, and we dont need any distractions. I will love to have kids someday, and spoil them, and love them and raise them near our families. Perhaps, we will wait, and concentrate on ourselves for know, for as long as we can. My mom will be saddened.. but she will understand. I could tell that she was happy when I told her about my possible pregnancy. Owell.. that's life.

2001-06-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

change is good

The most exciting event for me today was coloring my hair. Isn't that sad? If you knew me for a long time, you would know that I am famous for often changing the style of my hair. Now that I am married, that seems kind of difficult. Mainly because being a wife means contentment. UNTIL NOW.. I have gone from having several blonde streaks in my naturally dark brown hair, to a brownish/blonde color. A favorite hue of mine. I only hope it looks cool in the sunlight tomorrow.. it usually does.

one more day

Gee, can you believe it's going to be a full 400 days that I've been away from home? It feels almost like an accomplishment because this is the first place that I've ever really lived other than home. At first, it was an exciting adventure: exploring a different environment on our own. But now, it's more like a contentment within ourselves. We've settled in, and have lots of people here who we consider family. My parents want us to go home already, and so do we. But we have yet to determine what our options are.

"music of the heart"

Last night my almost littlest brother had another recital. He ending his 8th grade year and going into highschool. I am really proud of him because he reminds me so much of myself.. but without all of the flaws (except for a few mood swings here and there). Hey, we're the middle children.. sorta like Jan of the Brady bunch. His love is for music, and he does it really well. He plays several different instruments.. some of which are the violin, clarinet, saxiphone, etc. ANyway.. I hear his recital was executed brilliantly and beautifully. He and another student did a solo for their instructor as a bid farewell. (tear-tear). Music runs in our blood, what can I say?

2001-06-01T02:04:00.000-07:00

IT HASNT ARRIVED "=-(

By the way.. thanks cheyne, the wonderful for your verbal support on that crazy woman. CPB.. yes, still being under surveillance by the scientists of NASA. Anywho, I am officially worried about the tardiness of my menstration. Worried to the point where I bought one of those pregnancy tests and took the test. FYI.. It turned out negative so.. instead of pacifying my worries..I'm afraid it has heightened them! Pardon the poor spelling.. in a small crisis here. I'll go to the doctor next week to get a blood test to be 110 percent sure that we arent expecting.

keep you posted.

2001-05-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

Attack of the killer BITCH

Why do I seem to attract a lot of TWO FACED evil people? The kind where they seem like they have personality conflicts within theirselves. They don't know whether to to nice, or bitchy, or civil.. never the same person. I work in an environment where there is the opportunity to meet all sorts of people. I am an asst. manager at a base optical shop. Lots of diversity, let me tell you! I love meeting people and being respectful. I just wish that this one girl (we'll cal her cell-phone-Bitch (CPB) had those qualities too! No such luck. She runs this cell phone kiosk around the corner of my office. I went past there today and needed to use her display case space to write a check. She just overwhelmed the air with pompus attitude that I couldnt beleive that I didn't just snap at her!

She claims she's a church girl.. but she displays herself in such a different manner.

CPB: No one said you could use my desk space.
me: There's no sign around that says I need your permission. (sly smile- kill em w. kindness)
CPB: Whatever..

Yeah short convo. but says a lot about her. I think that she is just totally into herself and is very insecure about a lot of things. That goes for a lot of people here. Military communities are supposed to be so close knit.
YAH SURE. Anyway.. that's only one of many characters that you'll hear about in the next few months. Hey, don't get me wrong, you disrespect me.. don't expect me to be so nice and sweet. Bottom line.

2001-05-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

LATE????????

O-Mi-Gosh.. I think my biological clock needs a big Ass-Whooping!! Okay.. I'll be blunt. I am on the verge of being a week late in my period (ahhh). I had thought I was having pre-menstrual signs.. you know, the bitchyness.. spotting.. etc. Well.. I just realized tonight after a blissful evening of passion, that I was no where near menstration. haha.. maybe I'm just an everyday BITCH. Well, I will see in a couple of days if I get my period.. I am never
late! Well, not more than a few days. It scares me to think that at this time in my life I could have a child brought into this world. They ironic thing is that we were family planning for about year now, and now that we are concentrating on a whole new venue.... what if? I'll keep you posted.

2001-05-28T23:55:00.000-07:00

whew am I satisfied!!
Well, that works in all different contexts. For tonight it is the obvious sexual kind. We had a very nice day. Considering all of the drama that had occured the day before. All is well in love and war, right? It was (post)make-up sex. U know, the kind where you usually have RIGHT after a fight, but not quite AFTER. Yeah well.. it was quite "thirst quenching" I guess you could say. The type where at the time of climax you can't even think of anything (not even your own name), the only thing that runs through your mind is how relaxed you feel. Yeah, it was wonderful! It's not the newlywed thing either.. it's that love thing. That thing that you never lose no matter how old you two get. I hope it will only stay that way.

trouble at headquarters

I talk to my family just about everyday, and you do the usuals. You know, how are you all, what's new, or even have a little girl talk with my mom. It's one of those things that just makes your day actually complete. Well, my littlest brother (out of three) has come down with some kind of skin irritation. Not quite the chicken pox, nor the measles. He had gone to see the meds to see what his dilemma was, to only here the horrid. they have no clue. Hopefully, they will get to the bottom of this and find out what it is. My baby brother is such a sweetheart. The most sensitive and I hate to think of him during this whole ordeal. My prayers are with you.

2001-05-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

sheesh.. sorry the hyper links werent in there.. here ya go (?). dirty quiz and cheyne

2001-05-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

what is six inches long, has two nuts and gets girls FAT?

Just took a and I failed miserably!! Sad huh? WEll, actually.. that's NOT such a bad thing. It just means I have an avid imagination. That's what my Memorial day comes to, surfing the web, cleaning house, cooking, and perhaps a little gym time. If you need something to read, perhaps you'd like to stop by the honorable (-: Cheyne's blog. Very interesting.. gives a lot of insight into the world of controversial relationships as well as intellect/insight. He's the one who hooked me up with this idea of blogging. Terrific guy.. you can visit him @ . Check it out, you won't be sorry.

2001-05-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

TRYING TIMES....

Well, there went my perfect day yesterday. Shortly after my last entry, we had a little quarrel. Doesn't surprise me much anyway. Nothing can ever be perfect for too long.

It was a very stupid argument. One that was based on assumptions and feelings of rejection. Not important enough to go into details..but we'll just say that we almost slept in seperate rooms. That would've been a night of tossing and turning. He stayed downstairs and I was upstairs. I knew I hurt him by somethings I said, but my ego!! It's just too big. Never-the-less I gave in (yes, because it was my fault) and said sorry. That itself was a miracle. yeah well.. ended talking until four thirty in the morning and went to sleep... together. (-:

Moral of the story boys and girls.. Just give in~!!!!!! Never go to sleep angry.

2001-05-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today was a nice day. The type of weather to just bring out the beach chairs, kick up your feet and reeelax. No work until Tuesday so I am really in a good mood.

Husband and I had a pleasant day filled with pleasant and comforting conversation. Even managed to put a mock boxing match in there.. just for fun! Today he reminded me that I was still his bestest friend... and that just totally made my day. Yeah.. our relationship.. so unreal. Most times I feel that way, and then there will be others where we just can't stand eachother. That is, until one of us gives in. No action tonight though, don't feel like it. Right around *that time*. Normally, I'd be a sex-crazed nymph-O but.. not tonight. aw, shucks. Dont know quite what's up for Memorial day. Nothing much probably. S.O.S.. Same Ole' Shit. I think we'll just stay home and savior the rest of our weekend. Yeah. sounds good. This drama queen needs a rest.

2001-05-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

Another day, another headache. Am I asking too much for this depression to go away? Sounds like I'm being too harsh, but that's what it feels like. I cry at stupid commercials, My mood swings love to pull that appear/disappearing act, and that worst thing about it is.. is that I AM HAPPY. Doesn't necessarily make sense.. but hey that's life.

Let me fill you in on some things for you to familiarize yourself with my situation. I am 20 year old girl going on twenty one (dang proud of that one). I know, I know... you may be thinking .. she is waaaay too young to be depressed. Think again buster! I always thought thought that it would be so cool to live away from my parents and not hear their constant requests to go do things or run errands, or scold me for something I didnt do so perfectly. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. I am now married to a very wonderful man, living far away from home and missing home very much. It turns out that the constant nagging actually did me good. Because of those "words of wisdom" , I am a well brought up person. Dont get me wrong, I totally made my parents sound so much like tyrants.. which they are very well not. As an adolescent you just have the need to beleive that you know everything, and that everything will eventually happen your way: because the world is in your hands. YEAH FRICKEN RIGHT! If there's one thing I've learned throughout the past ten years is that, "my mother is always right." It just seems as if she has a crystal ball to predict what's gonna happen.. so UNREALS.

Anyway.. after a year or so of college... I met my baby. The most wonderful being (yet complicated). He joined the military and now here I am 393 days away from home and still counting. The worst thing about being away is being so far from my family and a few friends. The lifestyle at home isnt the same here. At home... there is the essence of family and love.. even to total strangers. I know, sounds like a distant planet right? You just gotta go there and grow up as I did. I wont say where I'm from.. but It'll come out sooner or later. Until then, I just have to keep dreaming about the day that we will be able to go home and be around our family and friends.

to be continued.... :-)